Stolen Time and Missing You

 For my mom.
Some things I'm feeling as year 1 without my mom comes to a close. It's not really poetry-even though I wrote it in that style, I wouldn't call it a poem. And it's not edited or anything. It's just stuff that needed out.

Growing up it was...
Camping trips and silly songs
Playing with and learning from you,
Only a family of three, but it was okay.
We were tight.
Then our world shifted for the first time: dad was sick.
And you stepped in to become someone you weren't.
Even then, bearing the hardness of life,
You were a spark: fiery and full of light.
I never, until now, knew the way you glued us.
Held everything together.
How did you do that?
You held me together, always.
The only one who truly knew me.
Who would I be without you?
Who am I without you?
Feeling lost.
My foundation, my heart: broken
When I remember...
And my childhood feels stolen.


Two years ago was my wedding day.
The happiness there and everyone together.
The hopefulness of memories to come.
It feels like another life
I am too young to be ancient
But here it is -
A heart so fractured,
It is worn out.
I see my friends at this "same" stage of life
Newlyweds, big family trips, babies coming
Supposedly that's where I am?
Hard to imagine, though I may look the part. I don't know.
Do I fool anyone? Sadly, I think I do.
I shake my head and feel the loss
Of time taken away,  moments that will not come to pass.
Things you cannot-I cannot-we cannot be.

One year ago I got the call.
It was 7 a.m. and you were drowning in the air
I raced across town, making it in five, wishing I had spent the night.
Dad and Granny were there, holding your hands.
I took one and you opened your eyes, the first time in two days.
There were white tear stains around them. You didn't want to leave yet.
Then you did something unheard of
And, against the odds, took your own moment from time.
You looked at me and said so much, in that long moment.
Beautiful, blue eyes full of sadness and love.
No words, but pages, written there
In  an exquisite moment that I will always remember.
Then you left.

Despite my bitterness,  I do know you weren't truly stolen.
Your time here, your life, our family, it was a gift.
Beautiful and transient.
And now I try to shuffle through
The memories of past and future
Try to figure out what is left for me, without you.
There is life left, but it is different.
Nothing is the same without you in it,
Your joy, and fun, the glue you were is missing.
Family, future, childhood, adulthood
I can't seem to feel anything the same way.
The loss of you is ever-present.

I'm living now, and it's a gift that you taught me to appreciate.
 I will carry some of your dreams with mine.
Try to love the way you showed me. "Love God. Love others. Love is a verb."
And mom, every day, I will love you.
I won't stop. I couldn't.
 I love you.