Secrets EXPOSED

Readers and social media friends, I have been keeping things from you. Big things. Here they are:

1. In about one month, Dane and I will be moving to a small town in Mississippi.

 It is a VERY small town: old-school, countryside, abundant in rich-characters and hilarious anecdotes, lots of quiet out in the country tempered by the fact that most of my extended family will be nearby (and believe me, it's an entertaining bunch). I'm thinking that writing ideas will abound.

2. We will be moving into my great-grandparents farm home

Which is full of good memories and in need of a little TCL. The plan is that we are going to live there for awhile, sprucing the place up a little and having some of our space.  Dane and I are not planning to settle in Mississippi forever at the moment, just spending some time there while we are...

3. Going back to school

I was accepted into a Masters program through SNHU awhile back. I am really excited about the program, which places an emphasis on both English Literature AND Creative Writing. I am hoping it will help me in my own writing, open up more secondary teaching opportunities, and provide a stepping stone to my ultimate goal of getting a PhD and being able to teach at a college level. Financial Aid is worked out, and I am excited! The program is long-distance/online.

Dane has an Associates Degree and wants to complete his bachelors degree. He loves technology and has also enjoyed working in a laboratory.  He is also interested in some of the Web/Graphic Design programs at SNHU, Liberty online, and a couple of other places. There is also a possibility that if he gets a job at one of the companies he has applied to, he could have certain certification programs paid for by the company. He's really excited about that possibility. Speaking of work...

4. New Jobs...a leap of faith

We have things in the works, though not yet solid.  It's a little bit of a leap of faith. We have some savings, but not a lot. We will have less expenses, but obviously will need to make a living.

 Dane is really hoping to get a job at one of two big companies which recently opened up in the area, and I think he really has a chance at one. One of the companies is kind of a techy corporation, and the other one is in airplane manufactoring. Both of these areas are extremely interesting to him, he qualifies for several job listings, and the jobs all have great benefits.  He has recently sent in several applicatons, and we are hopeful. It's amazing that there are just now opportunities to work at these big companies in this small of a town.  He's planning to work fulltime and go to school part-time or fulltime, depending on what happens.
 I am planning to work part-time and go to school fulltime. I recently was certified in Wilson Reading System (after spending two years on my practicum). This is a system which teaches children or adults how to read from the beginning, and it is especially effective for those with learning disabilities. I am hoping to offer this, along with my ability to tutor in other areas (SAT, various academic courses) around the area. I am also becoming licensed to be a Zumba instructor next weekend. I'm so excited! I love Zumba-it has helped me feel so much better this year, both physically and emotionally. I have been working really hard to get in good shape, and I am excited to bring dance fitness to a town which does not have it locally (Yes, you heard me, there is NO Zumba in Ellisville). I also have a small Shaklee business which I might try to build alongside the Zumba fitness. Project Healthify Mississippi!  I am a little scared, but mostly excited!

5. Who knows what next?

So as you can see, lots of changes in the works for us. We realize that these changes probably seem extreme and sudden to you, but we've been working on them for awhile. We've thought and prayed over them and have a peace about it all.  We are excited!

Stolen Time and Missing You

 For my mom.
Some things I'm feeling as year 1 without my mom comes to a close. It's not really poetry-even though I wrote it in that style, I wouldn't call it a poem. And it's not edited or anything. It's just stuff that needed out.

Growing up it was...
Camping trips and silly songs
Playing with and learning from you,
Only a family of three, but it was okay.
We were tight.
Then our world shifted for the first time: dad was sick.
And you stepped in to become someone you weren't.
Even then, bearing the hardness of life,
You were a spark: fiery and full of light.
I never, until now, knew the way you glued us.
Held everything together.
How did you do that?
You held me together, always.
The only one who truly knew me.
Who would I be without you?
Who am I without you?
Feeling lost.
My foundation, my heart: broken
When I remember...
And my childhood feels stolen.


Two years ago was my wedding day.
The happiness there and everyone together.
The hopefulness of memories to come.
It feels like another life
I am too young to be ancient
But here it is -
A heart so fractured,
It is worn out.
I see my friends at this "same" stage of life
Newlyweds, big family trips, babies coming
Supposedly that's where I am?
Hard to imagine, though I may look the part. I don't know.
Do I fool anyone? Sadly, I think I do.
I shake my head and feel the loss
Of time taken away,  moments that will not come to pass.
Things you cannot-I cannot-we cannot be.

One year ago I got the call.
It was 7 a.m. and you were drowning in the air
I raced across town, making it in five, wishing I had spent the night.
Dad and Granny were there, holding your hands.
I took one and you opened your eyes, the first time in two days.
There were white tear stains around them. You didn't want to leave yet.
Then you did something unheard of
And, against the odds, took your own moment from time.
You looked at me and said so much, in that long moment.
Beautiful, blue eyes full of sadness and love.
No words, but pages, written there
In  an exquisite moment that I will always remember.
Then you left.

Despite my bitterness,  I do know you weren't truly stolen.
Your time here, your life, our family, it was a gift.
Beautiful and transient.
And now I try to shuffle through
The memories of past and future
Try to figure out what is left for me, without you.
There is life left, but it is different.
Nothing is the same without you in it,
Your joy, and fun, the glue you were is missing.
Family, future, childhood, adulthood
I can't seem to feel anything the same way.
The loss of you is ever-present.

I'm living now, and it's a gift that you taught me to appreciate.
 I will carry some of your dreams with mine.
Try to love the way you showed me. "Love God. Love others. Love is a verb."
And mom, every day, I will love you.
I won't stop. I couldn't.
 I love you.

Not just a "Cancer Book:" How Hazel and Gus teach us about living through the experience of dying

Early on in The Fault in Our Stars (TFIOS), Hazel Grace Lancaster explains to the reader that her favorite book, An Imperial Affliction, is written by the only person she's ever met who "A. Understands what it's like to be dying, and B. has not died."  For a girl with termial cancer who worries about the effects her death will leave behind, it is a very, very personal book and  her great obsession.

An Imperial Affliction, is a book that Hazel  loves so much it is difficult for her to discuss with others. It is  "a book so special and rare and (hers) that advertising affection for it felt like a betrayal."

Strangely, these sentiments of Hazel toward her favorite book resonate with some of my own feelings about one of my own favorite books....Can you guess what it is? The Fault in Our Stars 

I have personal reasons for loving this book. It has meant a great deal to me in a very difficult time. It meant a lot to my mom when she was sick, and it was the last book she read. It also meant a lot to my dad. That's all I'm going to say about that.  I know that many people resonate with the themes in this story, which is why I am blogging about it, but part of me also feels, like Hazel, that this is "my" book. 

Unlike Hazel, I do not find it difficult to advertise TFIOS. Especially since the film has come out recently, I have taken many opportunies to talk to people about John Green and his books, and encourage fellow movie-goers to read the book as well (I thought the movie was a really wonderful adaptation btw). I really want people to read that book, because even though I have personal attatchments to it, there are  so many messages in the book itself which are important and relevant to anyone. It's "my book", but I feel like it can and should be "your book" too.

Despite my enthusiasm for this novel, the sheer volume of metaphors and ideas within it make it very difficult for me to discuss verbally.  A conversation about the book may start this way:
"Have you read The Fault in Our Stars??? It's so good. Like so good. You really need to read it."
Then things quickly become like that scene from Elizabethtown when a drunk Chuck desolves into a puddle emotion and starts jabbering "Death and life and life and death...right next door to each other...there's like...there's not a hair between them!"

Then I just want to scream:

"ALL THE FEELS!!!!"

It's just so blastedly difficult to adaquately verbalize my love for this book!!! However, I have picked out a few of aspects about TFIOS which I think are very important, and I am going to try to (briefly) point them out. Goodness, this brevity thing will be tricky.

1.  Most kids think they are immortal, right? Not the kids in TFIOS. Kids with cancer have an overwhelming awareness of dying, of the life they would want to live if they were healthy, and of the loved ones they will leave behind. We are all dying, yet this awareness is not one that we all have. However, it is an awareness that we will, at some point, all experience. Everyone will reach that point of regrets and wondering what life would be like if there was "just more time". Sounds depressing right? Well, as Hazel Grace points out on the first page of TFIOS "Depression is not a symptom of cancer, it's a symptom of dying."  At the beginning of the book, she is depressed. Not only is she dying, she is not really living. This book is about embracing the truth of our own mortality while still choosing to live a life that is real and full. It's a brave thing to do, not just for kids with terminal cancer, but for anyone who's alive.

2.A long with learning to embrace both living and dying comes the topic of "oblivion" (AKA Augustus Waters' greatest fear). He fears no one will know or remember who he is. However, as the love story between these two characters develops,  he finds merit in not only being loved widely but deeply. There is infinite value in choosing carefully what and who you will make your mark on and embracing the beauty and pain that comes with those careful choices. "You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers."-Augustus Waters

3. TFIOS  will make you thankful for small things, and it will make you more aware of the struggles of others. If you are healthy, it will make you grateful for having two legs and two eyes and lungs that work. It will make you grateful for being able to work and play and travel, for being able to plan return trips and mean it. It will make you grateful for going out to resturants or the mall, or driving your own car, or drinking a glass of wine.  It will also make you more aware of a less acknowledged symptom that sick people face: loss of independence and wounded identity. There is a heart-wrenching scene which is well-acted by Ansel Elgort (Augustus in the movie) where he has to pull  over at a gas station, unable to get out of his car, unable to do anything but cry and throw up. "I just wanted to do something normal!" he screams, agonized. Anyone who is familiar with long term or serious illness can relate to this, but sometimes we forget how important it is to be grateful for those "little things." If you can do it, then do it. We will all reach a point where we will realize how lucky we once were.

4. Speaking of that, did you know that 1 out of 3 people will be diagnosed with some form of cancer in their lifetime? Don't forget that sick people are still people. People with cancer are not non-people, which means they are not better or worse than other people. They just have to put up with a lot of unfair sh**. I think it's important that we remember that. We don't need to turn people into angels before they die, or even after. W Augustus Waters fears oblivion, and many people with cancer fear that the disease will not only kill them, it will take away who they are, and how people see and remember them. TFIOS reminds us that sick people are just that, real people who have a sickness wrecking their bodies.  It's important to our friends who are sick not dehumanize them, not to make them into saints or ghosts. Remember 1 out of 3.

5. This is a real love story. As much as I enjoy (even the kind of fake) sappy, romantic stuff, real love stories are few and far between. It's about  real boy and a real girl, right on the brink of an adulthood that they are unlikely to reach. And there are real parents too: caring, smart, devoted, overprotective, in-denial parents, not annoying sitcom parents. How unusual is that? Also this  is not Twilight. Nobody is perfect, physically or otherwise. More than that, these characters aren't  even "normal" in that typically boring, Hollywood way either. Hazel and Augustus are witty, clever, and hilarious. They are deep and adventurous beyond their physical limits. They are scared and depressed and happy and in love. You feel their love story. You feel what they feel so deeply that they become part of you and stay with you long after you finish the book.

6. "Some infinities are bigger than other infinities," -Hazel always knew her life would be short, and had given up on the things she wished her life could have in it. She had become happy with making her parents happy and "minimalizing the casualties". However, Augustus saves her from a "dead life". Their love brings a lifetime of experience to both of them. Though the "infinity" they share is shorter than other infinities, it it is still an  experience of love with no bounds (infinite).  It is shorter, but no less rich, than the love stories of others. Whether you are sick, or healthy and grateful, or scared of really living (I think this should sum up pretty much all of the human population), this story of two teens who loved so boundlessly within numbered days should inspire you.

So I really hope that you will read this book, and maybe "my book" will become one of "your books."

Angels and Demons: My two cents

 My God sent his angel and shut the lions’ mouths, and they have not harmed me, because I was found blameless before him; and also before you, O king, I have done no harm.

-Daniel 6:22

 And the great dragon was thrown down, that ancient serpent, who is called the devil and Satan, the deceiver of the whole world— he was thrown down to the earth, and his angels were thrown down with him.

-Revelation 12:9 

 I know many people who believe in some kind of vauge idea of God, but do not allow themselves to believe in much beyond that. They think Jesus is a cool guy, but would be embarassed to call him "Lord."  Heaven has developed as a picture in the collective mind of our culture as something like the golden palace at the end of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves"...Angels are thought of as people who wear white robes and strum  on harps. And demons? No one really likes to talk about them, unless it's the YA Fiction writers who don't seem to have a solid knowledge or interest in the "side of good"(And hey, not trying to be a hypocritical here...I've read The Mortal Instruments series-and things like it-and enjoyed it for what it was. Theologically accurate not being one of those things that it was...). 

 So who believes in angels and demons? Really? Who thinks it's important in everyday life?

Well, I do, and I wanted to say so.

 I am not an expert, and I don't even have a lot of time to write about this, but a recent experience has reminded me of the realness of these beings and the role they play in our lives. I wanted to say something about angels and demons, because I think that people are in the middle of a war that they can't even see. 

What kind of war? I'll tell you this, it's not a war between winged babies and some kind of prosthetic creature off of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. 

If you do not have the Holy Spirit, beware. Demons can come in. They can influence you not only indirectly, but also directly. Some of you may be offended by this, but it is not meant to be offensive. These are greater beings than you and I, and only a close relationship with God will act as a protection from a direct attack or possession. People don't like to talk about this, but the fact is, it does happen. Personally, I interned at a mental hospital and I have seen things and heard stories that cannot be explained by mental instability alone. Many times these stories involve not only bizarre and demonic behavior but also superhuman strength. 

  They went across the lake to the region of the Gerasenes. ² When Jesus got out of the boat, a man with an impure spirit came from the tombs to meet him. ³ This man lived in the tombs, and no one could bind him anymore, not even with a chain. ⁴ For he had often been chained hand and foot, but he tore the chains apart and broke the irons on his feet. No one was strong enough to subdue him. ⁵ Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones. ⁶ When he saw Jesus from a distance, he ran and fell on his knees in front of him. ⁷ He shouted at the top of his voice, “What do you want with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? In God’s name don’t torture me!” ⁸ For Jesus had said to him, “Come out of this man, you impure spirit!”
-Mark 5:1-8

 In other countries, the phenomenon of demon possession is commonly acknowledge, but in America we like to put other names on it and make scary movies about it so we can believe it is not real. I fear for my friends who are not believers, and I pray for their protection from such occurences.

Many times in the New Testament, Jesus commands the demons to come out, and they always do. A relationship with Jesus, wherein His Holy Spirit lives in you, prevents demons from coming inside of you. But can they still influence you? 

Indirectly, yes, I believe the answer is yes.

Have you ever read The Screwtape Letters  by my favorite guy, (besides my husband and dad) Mr. C.S. Lewis? I was talking to a friend who has read half of it recently and she said that whenever she's try to read the book, she has experienced spiritual assault.  Interestingly enough, the book itself is about spiritual assault. But what is spiritual assault, you might be wondering?

Well, I am not sure what it looks like for everyone, but I have an anecdote of what it looks like for me. For me, it comes in the form of temptation. Temptation towards things which I know are would not quite line up with Biblical advise. Things which tug on the edge of my own discernment as a Christian. Sometimes small things are bigger for one person in this regard than it would be for others. I think of it as opening a door. If Satan can tempt you into opening one small door, than he can get you through another, and another. The end goal for this kind of influence in the believer is not the loss of salvation (that cannot be taken away) but a transformation of a believer's lifestyle into one that is not God-honoring. Basically, if you are a Christian but are not living a life that reflects God's love, then you are not growing or helping others to find life.
The doors can be small, here are some basic examples:

"Can you believe how trashy that person was at church today?"  Tearing down the Body instead of building it up. 

"He'll think I look so hot in this bikini" Causing someone else to stumble. 

"I want everyone to see me the way I want them to see me" (HELLO SOCIAL MEDIA)- idolatry of self

I was thinking about all of this recently when I experienced spirtual assault recently in the way that it has come at me on and off in my life-through my dreams.  I don't think this is super common for most people, but let me tell you about it-

 I have always been an avid dreamer. I have some of the most complicated, story-driven dreams of anyone I know. It's wonderful to have adventures in my sleep and experience a whole realm that couldn't exist in the real world. However, I have also always been more susceptable to attack in my dreams. It started when I was little with nightmares. One of my worst fears would play out, and then it would be something more, a feeling of fear which was not equivalent to the experience of the dream. A weight on my chest. A nightmare but worse. Infrequent and discernable from regular nightmares.

After I became a Christian, my mom taught me that, if I realized within my dream that it was no ordinary dream, I should call out  the demon and cast it out of my dream in the name of Jesus Christ. You wouldn't think that would be super practical in a dream. Well, guess what? It has worked every time I have needed it since then (and this has only happened a handful of times when I have been aware of it.)

It hasn't happened in awhile, but the other night I had fallen susceptable to a temptation that I shouldn't have (I was avoiding that fact).  When I went to sleep, there was the dream. Starting out as a nightmare, but then, mid-dream, I realized that it wasn't.  The villain in my dream was a big man, inhumanly strong, fighting off three other men to get to me. I jumped in front of him and yelled "Demon!" at him. He froze, shaking. Suddenly I was shaking. His eyes were red and he stared at me, vibrating rage. In the dream, it felt like my lips could hardly move. "Jesus' name" I managed to whisper over and over. "In the name of Jesus Christ begone." 

I instantly woke up, still whispering the words and shaking. I grabbed Dane's hand and woke him up, praying aloud. Suddenly, I felt a comfort surrounding me. You guys might not believe me, but I think there were angels in the room. I knew that I had left a door open where Satan could wiggle into my dreams, and, clear as a voice in my head,  I knew what I needed to do to remove the temptation which had opened it.

I believe that Angels are still on the earth as God's messengers, and I believe they are protectors and comforters. I do not picture them as Valentine's Day cupids, but as great celestial warriors. I hope you read the two Biblical passages at the beginning of this blog post. One pointed out that it was one of God's angels who protected Daniel in the lion's den. Angels are real, and they are powerful, not silly. Demons are angels who have joined the "Dark side." Fact is though, there are twice as many angels as there are demons, so that's good news. 

Even better news, if you have the Holy Spirit living inside you, there is nothing to fear.

As I said, I am not an expert on these two beings, but I felt compelled to share some thoughts with you all.

This is a good resource listing some Biblical references to both angels and demons, please check it out.

Sources: 

 http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/angels-demons-15-powerful-bible-verses/#ixzz349ovvBLA