Beyond the Road

We drive on the pin-straight highway, 80 miles per hour.

Holes in the green blur by fast, but there is something there.

Speaking.

I imagine the dirty, bare feet which 

Saw those soiled trails as endless, once.

Possibilities never to excel the sky of imagining. 

Secrets to know in the leaves and earth

Dreams to dream without limits. 

A rest in intimacy which cannot be spoken

Not even shared. 

Simply felt or not felt. 

Connected or oblivious.

We drive past them now on highways, only seeing 

Straight, not inward or outward

Not dreaming or resting,

The journey is efficient, fenced off and quick.

Underbrush grown thick with thorns

Kudzu, and the like.

There is no one left to remember

Just a whisper that hints

There is more beyond the road.

Ramblings from my Quarter Centennial Existence.

Hanging on for dear life. To the job. To the persona. To the routine. To all of the THINGS. Hanging on for dear life because goodness knows your heart's not in it anymore.  It's only about suriving.

Then there are times, places, things that we want to hang onto forever, moments that make our hearts soar with pride, love, comfort.  Like a favorite song playing to a perfect drive, we wish it could last our whole lives long, but we can't keep those moments. They come and go. That's why they're moments. And beautiful people, too, are like the beautiful moments they fill. But the letting go always feels premature with things of such beauty, I suppose.

I will be turning twenty-five in a little over a month.  Quarter way through a centennial. Old enough to be getting this adulthood thing figured out. Young enough for mistakes to be allowed. Theoretically, it seems to me that this should be neither the age of letting go prematurely nor hanging on for dear life.

But that's theory. We base theory on life. Life doesn't plot accordingly.

For myself, and so many others that I know, our quarter-centennial lives have already defied said theory. Life has not been smooth. It's been a rollar coaster of tightly packed highs which are too quickly over, followed by incredible drops which left us feeling like we left some of our guts somewhere else.

I graduated college and got my first grown up job at the age of 20. I got engaged and married at age 21. We moved into our first apartment, both working hard scraping by during our first  year of marriage. I got promoted that year, and so did Dane. It was stressful, but good stress. A lot of change in a short amount of time at a young age. I was the youngest person I knew to be so many exits down the "super highway of life".

Then mama got sick. Six months of hell is basically what that was. And what followed was limbo.
Following June 18, this year has been kind of lost to me. I'm sure I'll always look back on it as a fuzzy time of hanging on and wondering just who the heck I'm really supposed to be and what is the point.

I've realized that the only thing that really matters in life is to love God and love His People. I've learned that super highways don't matter. I felt like I was on track, doing everything "right," but none of it matters.  Life is not a highway. It will always be a roller coaster. Ultimately no one cares if you graduate college a year early or are twenty years younger than everyone else at your job. People will care if you took time to love them.

However, I have also found more moments of joy because of what I've learned. I brace myself not just for the lows, but for the highs too, wanting to take in every detail of them and cherish them. Sometimes I mourn them before they are even over, which is just something that comes from being hurt, I think.  There are people whose love has been like a shot of adrennaline to my slow heart his year, and the memory of that love, which existed in the midst of the lows, is more valuable than it ever would have been in the highs.

In the meanwhile, I am done with super highways. They are not going where I am.
I want my life to be about:
Loving God, Family, Friends, Strangers, Enemies.
The adventure of true love and my marriage with a wonderful man.
Accept new challenges in relationships with others.
Traveling and exploration.
Growing creatively: reading, writing, and working on my projects as well as my mother's.
Being healthier: continuing to meet the fitness goals I have for myself.
Pursuing the loves God has placed in my heart.
Seeing beautiful things and making beautiful things.
Soaking in the highs.
Finding love in the lows.

Elsa and Anna: Two Sides of the Same Coin?

Meet Anna: "pixie dream girl," dorky, brave, romantic, happy-go-lucky, a social go-getter






Meet Elsa: serious, powerful, dangerous, responsible, emotional, a bit unstable, an independent loner

 Tomorrow, when you watch Disney's Frozen (and you should be doing that tomorrow because it will be available for purchase on DVD), I want you to ask yourself, "Are you an Anna or an Elsa?"
 
Of course, there are a lot of other wonderful things about the film to ponder and take note of: deep commentary about love, wonderful music, beautiful animation, much hilarity.

However, my question is one which may cross your mind, and if it does I want you to hang onto it and ponder it for a decent while.


 I must come across to most people as an Anna, based on the opinions of some friends (and a couple of my students who keep telling me I remind them of her.)  While I think that Anna is a really great character, I found it kind of odd initially that people associated me with her... because I definitely related to the Elsa character more when watching the film.

I've always been a feeler. I'm an INFP. Double on the N and the F. I pick up on a lot of things. I also FEEL things like CRAZY. Good things: friendships, romance, happiness, a pretty day....also bad things: injustice, anger, guilt, grief, loss. The only one who could ever understand/ relate to my crazy amounts of feeling isn't here anymore. So now, when the feelings come,  alone is also part of them. I really felt for Elsa in that clip at the very end of "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" when she is up against the wall after their parents die and the whole room is a frozen mess all around.  When strong feelings hit me, especially grief, it feels like that sometimes.

However, I just realized, I don't act like that to most people. If I didn't have this blog, probably no one would have any idea how I felt except for a select few. Even those wouldn't really know: it's so much easier to write about something than say it out loud.

The more I think about it, the more I realize why I probably seem more like an Anna than an Elsa. To most of the people I spend time around (and most of these people are children so that heightens it surely) I am bubbly, awkward, and happy.


The more I think about that, the more I realize that these two characters could easily be two sides of the same coin.


Here's why:

Where would you keep you inner-Elsa, if you had one? Locked up of course: locked away or far removed from others. If you have an inner Elsa, no one probably gets close enough to catch her. She's too powerful, too emotional and volatile. She might scare people, so its probably best to keep her away from most people.

Meet Elsa's flaw: She's afraid of her own powers/emotions (which she has no idea how to control)..so afraid that she avoids any meaningful contact.
Meet Elsa's redeeming quality: She does this in order to protect those she loves, which is remarkably sacrificial.





If you had an inner Anna, where would you keep her?
Well Anna is always trying to get out and meet new people, so I suppose you could look as this character as the charmingly extroverted side of one's personality. This of course, is at different levels for different people. If you are naturally a bit introverted, then your "Anna" side might be like that of Anna in the movie (She doesn't get out a lot).

Meet Anna's flaw: She's in a reckless search for affection and is a little too eager to find it anywhere she can get it. Unlike Elsa, she is likely to rush into things too quickly, not think them through or feel them out enough.

Meet Anna's redeeming quality: She is fiercely brave and loyal to those who have her heart.


I love this movie for so many reasons, as you can probably tell. However, one of the reasons is that there is no true defined hero or villain. Both of the lead female characters are strong as well as flawed, and at the end of the film they both have to overcome their biggest flaws for the love they share for each other.


It's not only a powerful story of love and bravery, it's also (perhaps) a unique insight into the human psyche. A person rarely possesses only one of the following combinations of traits displayed by Elsa and Anna: Fear & Bravery, Independence & Dependence, Introversion & Extroversion. Both sisters also show different aspects of courage, love, loyalty which present themselves in a very believably human way.


So yes, watch this movie, please. 

Springtime Ballet

My mom and I loved to go see live performances together...the theatre or symphony, but especially ballet. I was a ballerina for about 15 years, from age 3 to age 18 (only seriously ambitious from about age 11 to 13), and mom always supported my dance interests enthusiastically. She never danced much herself, and she was by no means a "dance mom," she just thought it was so beautiful, and was so happy that it made me happy to do it.

At Christmas, and in the spring, we would typically go see the Local Ballet Company's (LBC from now on) production of the season, The Nutcracker and Something Else, respectively.
The LBC is no bit-shot deal, but they put on a lovely show for a small town company. The choreography is fresh, and the dancing is clean. The dancers always do a nice job.

Last spring, it was LBC production weekend, and mom was too sick to go anywhere. However, I had some dear girlfriends who came to town to spend some quality time and help me out; we ended up going to see the ballet, "Cinderella". As nice as it was, I felt weird not having my mom there. However, looking back, I am so grateful for that time when my friends took me in and gave me something that my mom couldn't at the time, but would have if she could.

Well, a few weeks ago I saw the billboard for this year's LBC springtime show, "Mary" (based on Mary Poppins). I love Mary Poppins. LOVE. You know who the first person I wanted to call was?
However, as I drove past, the excitement quickly soured into a sudden ache which nestled into the pit of my stomach, and breath whistled out of my mouth in a helpless sadness.
This happens a lot with the small things: I don't know what to do with it anymore, so I just let it sit there for awhile until something else gets my attention.

As a result, I decided that I didn't really have any interest in going to the ballet this year. It felt like something old me would do, something that new me couldn't. I didn't think I had any friends around who would want to go, and the men in my life would probably go if I forced them (but that's kind of against the point of doing something fun together).  Going alone would just be depressing.

Well, a couple of days after that, a co-worker and friend came up to me and excitedly said that there was going to be a ballet of Mary Poppins and that we should go. I love this friend, whose enthusiasm and hopeless romanticness kind of reminds me of my mom. Anyway, when she seemed so excited about going too, it made me feel unexpectedly relieved.

Even better, it turns out that there wasn't just one other person who could be excited about it, but several!  This soon developed into a group event: in no time, seven of us were going! I couldn't believe it. Only days before I thought that I had to let that memory go. Now I realized that "springtime ballet" could carry on in its girly tradition.

The seven of us had such a fun time today: we ate lunch at a great resturant on the square (my family's favorite, actually), and we walked over to the beautiful old auditorium to watch the ballet. It was a gorgeous, sunshine-y day to wander outside. The ballet itself was delightful and happy: impossible not to smile.

On this beautiful springtime day, I was so glad to spend time with these women. I teach with them, but I don't really ever get to spend much time just hanging out with them. It was really nice just to get to chat about regular stuff with them for a change. I think it was rare for all of us to take a whole afternoon and do something girly like getting dressed up, eating lunch out and seeing a ballet with other ladies. I know it's the first thing we have all done together outside of work.

I thought about my mom today a lot, and I missed her. But I didn't feel too sad. I felt happy thinking of all those memories and how she would be glad that I was making new ones and remembering her.  Maybe it's silly, and I don't know how it works, but I felt like she helped arrange today.  It would have been right up her alley.

The Most Exciting Joint in Gainesvegas

You know you live in a small, Southern town when simple things take on epic statures suddenly and seemingly of their own accord.

 It's hard to know how it starts, but anything new transforms quickly into rumors which adopt  newly concocted expressions. This all happens "before you can spit."

 These expressions find themselves passing seamlessly from the lips of the common folk to the well-to-do, even making it as far as that grandest authority: THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER.

This is how it works  in my town, lovingly  known to locals as "Gainesvegas."

The last year has presented a couple of new exciting speculations for Gainesvegas:

First, there was "The Bridge to Nowhere," a confusingly impressive structure planned by the city council, smack dab in the middle of town.

 It's expensive, has 24 hour security, and is well-lit. Driving underneath it, one might think, "Oh wow, look at that fancy bridge."

.......Then one might wonder how long ago the aliens decided to put it there.

 Because, truth be told, however suave its architecture, it does not match the rest of the colonial style downton area at all.

More interesting/confusing, and definitive of its title...it leads from the quaint downtown square to...are you ready for this????
NOWHERE.

I'm mean sure, there's SOMETHING there. I mean, the city council is trying to make it something, but right now it's just  patch of grass that's kind of close to the prison, a Holiday Inn, and a loan office.
Hence, "Bridge to Nowhere."

 

 Image source: lakelanier.com

Well, that is nothing compared to the speculations over the last year surrounding the
"Great Wall of Gainesville."

Let me tell you now about the Great Wall of Gainesville.
About a year ago, they started cutting down trees about two miles away from where I grew up. It was a lot of trees to take down and a weird place to do it.  The community of the tree-cutting has been a paper-mill community for the last hundred years or so. It's hitherto fairly undeveloped: a Dollar General, a local grocery store, a couple of retirement homes and some medical buildings. No real shopping to speak of. So, when they starting placing a GIANT retaining wall around the recently cleared, red-mud hill, there was no doubt that history was being made.




I

 Image source: The Gainesville Times

What WOULD they put there?
A movie theatre, some hoped.
A Barnes and Noble (unlikely, but I hoped)
Would it be a Cracker Barrel, or perhaps a Walmart?
Or could it be a new mall?
Apartments?

Well, I have to tell you that the cat has been out of the bag for a few months now, but yesterday was the grand opening of the mystery behind THE GREAT WALL...and I have to say all of my expectations were blown out of the water.

We have a Kroger, folks. Not just any Kroger, but a Kroger the likes of which the citizens of Gainesvegas have NEVER SEEN. A KROGER MARKETPLACE.

The only place in Gainesvegas, besides Walmart, which is open 24 hours.
There's a bakery. EVEN A STARBUCKS.
There's a GIANT natural foods section.
There's a lot of wine.
There are even really cute clothes, jewelry, lingerie, and a JEWELRY store.

Half of Gainesville was there yesterday for the opening.We just have never seen anything like it, yall.
 We walked like zombies presented with a gallery of fresh brains.
The Governer of the STATE even came.
Right here, three minutes away from where I sit in my childhood home, this icon of civilization stands, beaming 24 hours a day, protected by The Great Wall of Gainesville. 

It even made it to the local newspaper:
http://www.gainesvilletimes.com/section/6/article/96738/

Unfortunately, when no mystery is involved, these miracles tend to have more boring names. This amazing new feature of my little town will probably be called "The New Kroger" until someone builds another Kroger in about twenty years. However, I'm sure that it will be much more appreciated than either The Great Wall or the Bridge to Nowhere by the residents of Gainesvegas.


I have to say that it's moments like this that really make me appreciate the South. I can understand why so many writers and artists live in this part of the world (more than you would think from popular media): interesting characters abound, and wordy significance always takes an interest in the smallest of things.

Sunshine

I know I said in my last post that I was going to write a series about my favorite places in England, part 1 was London. However, I find myself sitting at my new writing station, a stack of creative projects calling my name, and knowing that to endeavor to write about Oxford in any kind of objective way would be such a consuming project that the sunshine would be gone before I finished.  Actually, the sunshine today is golden and breezy and does actually remind me of spring in Oxford, which would make it even harder.

“Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you.”

― Walt Whitman

Oh sunshine, how I have missed it ! I can't explain how happy it makes me, how creative, how free. Today has been the one of the best days and I owe a lot of it to the glorious golden light streaming in through the windows.
Today we cleaned out my parents' old bedroom, which had become kind of a storage room.
In a little over an hour it went from this:

To this:

Still not done, but very peaceful to spend time in.



I'm so grateful that Dane and I can work on things like this so well together and have fun. He is my buddy <3 .="" nbsp="" p="">It also felt so invigorating to transform something so quickly just as the weather has so quickly transformed outside.

Afterwards, we took Bonnie (Australian Shepard) to the park for a walk and enjoyed the breeze coming off the lake and the children riding scooters and the smell of people cooking out. We picked up some fast food (kind of rare for us) and ate it outside. Seratonin levels are at a high.

Now I am sitting here in my mom's sunhat, thinking of all the stories my fingers are itching to write.
 Even more exciting, recently three of my mom's books (that she had written long ago) were discovered in the closet. I am looking forward to going through them and communicating with her that way. My hope is to edit/finish them and see them published. I don't know if I will have to take this slowly or not, but I am looking fowar

The new beginnings flourishing around me are so exciting. What, God, do you have in store this season? I hope it is like the sunshine after the storms.Today I feel happy in a way that I haven't in a long time, and I am so grateful for the hope and excitement of today.

Seven Things to Do in London on a Budget

I was talking to some friends last night who are going to England for a trip later this spring (jealous!). They asked for some suggestions of things to see/do.
When I studied abroad in 2010, my budget was a bit tight...I wish I could have done and seen more when I was there. However, I was fortunate that SCIO, the program through which I was studying, made sure that we got to go on a lot of day trips to really experience our foreign...... experience.
 I decided to put together a short list of some the inexpensive things I did and sights I enjoyed the most while in England. Some of them are entire towns, and some are specific places in Oxford and London.This list is in no way comprehensive...There were a lot of things I wish I had done, but didn't. There were also a lot of things that I loved about the act of wandering that can't be replicated or explained.
Most of my interests were centered around history/literature. I LOVE ENGLAND.

My list is WAY too long, so I'm splitting it up. Today is Part 1: London.

 1. Attend an Evensong service at St. Paul's Cathedral

Cost: Free
Even if formal worship is not your thing, you have to appreciate the reverance and beauty of these gorgeous, traditional prayers and songs in an absolutely stunning setting. They have an evensong service every evening at 5:00 p.m. which is open to attendees. It's beautiful, touching, and definitely different from any church service you've been to in the USA

Other bonuses: Mary Poppins sings about it (Con, you can't actually feed the birds. They got too fat in the past and died.). Also, if you whisper something on one end of the Narthex, you can hear it all the way on the other side. 



2.  ALL OF THE PARKS
Cost: Free
There are so many awesome, awesome, awesome parks in London. They are so open and sprawling, have so much history...and are so different from the types of parks we have in the USA. The two parks which stick out the most to me are St. James Park and (my very favorite) Kensington Gardens. 
St. James is cool because there is a lovely pond, lots of birds, and a bridge with a great view of things like the London Eye and Buckingham Palace...oh, did I mention that when you wander towards the end ot the park, you're AT Buckinham Palace? Yeah that's a pretty cool (free) sight to see too.


Kensington Gardens has so many things to love. First, as a major Peter Pan fan, this was on my list because it is the park which holds the famous Pan statue-Something I had always wanted to see. Also on the grounds is Kensington Palace, the birthplace of Queen Victoria (she lived there throughout her childhood until she inherited the throne). I happen to think Queen Victoria is boss. There is also an amazing statue in Kensington which she had mounted in dedication to her beloved Albert... so touchingly beautiful. Favorite royal couple ever. Sorry Will and Kate. ALSO, there's a really cool playground with a pirate ship-Princess Diana Memorial Playground-in Kensington. Overall, it's a great place to take a picnic and spend a few hours.








3.  Find some cheap tickets...go see the sympony, a concert or a play!
Cost: varies
There are always great shows to see in London. It IS London, after all.
Even on a budget I was able to get some cheap tickets and go see "Wicked" at the Apollo Victoria and the London Phillharmonic Symphony at the Royal Albert Hall. I had friends, also on a budget, who went to see Pheonix and Vampire Weekend in concert. I just checked the Web site and they are actually doing "Wicked" again from now through June. Even bad seats are great seats!








4. The Sherlock Holmes Museum
Cost: 8 pounds per adult
Cost of gift shop/ cheesy photoshoot: free/priceless

Located at 221 B Baker Street, you know you're headed in the right direction on the Tube terminal when you start seeing this:



Then you suddenly find yourself doing this:


 


 5. The Sherlock Holmes Pub
Cost: Varies by what you order
Amazing, authentic envireonment will make you feel like you have a standing appointment with Sherlock and am meeting him at his favorite establishment. Oh yeah, and Sir. Arthur Conan Doyle might have actually had something to do with its dedication  and design....
Sherlock Pub
ALSO, the big lions are closeby...so afterwards, you can climb them. (Ahem I mean the "Lions in Bronze")
Speaking of things near there........

6. Trafalgar Square and The National Gallery
Cost: It's free to look!
Wonderful, busy place that you have no doubt seen on lots of TV shows (including Sherlock). I love the way this area is a mix between the ancient and the modern. Lots of great cafes and sight-seeing....also dominating this area is an awesome fountain and........
  The National Gallery 
Cost: Free (I know, what??? AMAZING)
Enjoy some of the world's most beautiful/thought-provoking/ historically important art for NOTHING. WHY WOULD YOU NOT DO THIS?


7. JUST Explore. Seriously. This is a city where you want to get lost a little bit. I'm out of time to write more for today, but my mind is full of the sights/sounds/smells of this amazing city. So if you are going anytime soon, I highly recommend that when you get there, you put on some tennis shows, get on the TUBE, ride, get off, and wander.