It's hard to know how it starts, but anything new transforms quickly into rumors which adopt newly concocted expressions. This all happens "before you can spit."
These expressions find themselves passing seamlessly from the lips of the common folk to the well-to-do, even making it as far as that grandest authority: THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER.
This is how it works in my town, lovingly known to locals as "Gainesvegas."
The last year has presented a couple of new exciting speculations for Gainesvegas:
First, there was "The Bridge to Nowhere," a confusingly impressive structure planned by the city council, smack dab in the middle of town.
It's expensive, has 24 hour security, and is well-lit. Driving underneath it, one might think, "Oh wow, look at that fancy bridge."
.......Then one might wonder how long ago the aliens decided to put it there.
Because, truth be told, however suave its architecture, it does not match the rest of the colonial style downton area at all.
More interesting/confusing, and definitive of its title...it leads from the quaint downtown square to...are you ready for this????
NOWHERE.
I'm mean sure, there's SOMETHING there. I mean, the city council is trying to make it something, but right now it's just patch of grass that's kind of close to the prison, a Holiday Inn, and a loan office.
Hence, "Bridge to Nowhere."
Image source: lakelanier.com
Well, that is nothing compared to the speculations over the last year surrounding the
"Great Wall of Gainesville."
Let me tell you now about the Great Wall of Gainesville.
About a year ago, they started cutting down trees about two miles away from where I grew up. It was a lot of trees to take down and a weird place to do it. The community of the tree-cutting has been a paper-mill community for the last hundred years or so. It's hitherto fairly undeveloped: a Dollar General, a local grocery store, a couple of retirement homes and some medical buildings. No real shopping to speak of. So, when they starting placing a GIANT retaining wall around the recently cleared, red-mud hill, there was no doubt that history was being made.
I
Image source: The Gainesville Times
What WOULD they put there?
A movie theatre, some hoped.
A Barnes and Noble (unlikely, but I hoped)
Would it be a Cracker Barrel, or perhaps a Walmart?
Or could it be a new mall?
Apartments?
Well, I have to tell you that the cat has been out of the bag for a few months now, but yesterday was the grand opening of the mystery behind THE GREAT WALL...and I have to say all of my expectations were blown out of the water.
We have a Kroger, folks. Not just any Kroger, but a Kroger the likes of which the citizens of Gainesvegas have NEVER SEEN. A KROGER MARKETPLACE.
The only place in Gainesvegas, besides Walmart, which is open 24 hours.
There's a bakery. EVEN A STARBUCKS.
There's a GIANT natural foods section.
There's a lot of wine.
There are even really cute clothes, jewelry, lingerie, and a JEWELRY store.
Half of Gainesville was there yesterday for the opening.We just have never seen anything like it, yall.
We walked like zombies presented with a gallery of fresh brains.
The Governer of the STATE even came.
Right here, three minutes away from where I sit in my childhood home, this icon of civilization stands, beaming 24 hours a day, protected by The Great Wall of Gainesville.
It even made it to the local newspaper:
http://www.gainesvilletimes.com/section/6/article/96738/
Unfortunately, when no mystery is involved, these miracles tend to have more boring names. This amazing new feature of my little town will probably be called "The New Kroger" until someone builds another Kroger in about twenty years. However, I'm sure that it will be much more appreciated than either The Great Wall or the Bridge to Nowhere by the residents of Gainesvegas.
I have to say that it's moments like this that really make me appreciate the South. I can understand why so many writers and artists live in this part of the world (more than you would think from popular media): interesting characters abound, and wordy significance always takes an interest in the smallest of things.
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